


the recurring checker of the serious breach of taste

by sandyk



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 12:42:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Tina's wearing pants, Regular Sized Rudy hasn't experienced a growth spurt and the Belchers are all off to the mall.





	the recurring checker of the serious breach of taste

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boychik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boychik/gifts).



> Not mine, no profit garnered. Title from Edna St. Vincent Millay's The Plaid Dress. Thank you A for beta wonderhelp!

There were a number of puzzling things happening and Louise was getting to the bottom of it. "Is the restaurant doing better all of a sudden?"

"It's not sudden, Louise," Mom said. "It's been a few months of upswing."

Dad said, "Why do you sound so confused?"

"It's not like this is a good restaurant," Louise said.

"The service is kinda lacking," Tina said.

"But the entertainment is amazing," Gene said, playing a few discordant notes on his keyboard. "And challenging to musical norms."

"But the food is good," Mom said, loyally. She was a good wife that way, Louise approved.

"Sure, sure, that sounds believable," Louise said.

"We got a good review in Coasters," Dad said. "We've had lots of good reviews. We make good food."

"Yes, we do," Mom said.

"I agree," Teddy said. As always, he just had to interject himself into private family discussions just because they were happening in the restaurant.

"Fine, fine, fine, so no one really knows the answer, let's move on to mystery number two. Why is Tina wearing pants so much?"

"Thank you for noticing," Tina said. "I have been experimenting with fashion lately."

"No, you're wearing pants a lot," Louise said. "That's not an experiment and it's not fashionable."

"They're very fashionable pants," Mom said. "I made some of them."

Louise said, "From what, table scraps? Leftover cereal?"

"That would be experimental and fashionable," Gene said. "Oatmeal is not just the color but the fabric. Of our lives."

"You know," Mom said. "Bob's pants, some of my old shirts, a few donations from Aunt Gayle. I made them, and I made them look good."

Louise said, "Do you hate your daughter? Why would you dress her in Aunt Gayle's cast offs? Does she even cast off things? She seems like the type to keep things forever and die in her own hoarding piles, eaten by cats."

"Thank god, Gayle's not a hoarder," Dad said. "The rest sounds pretty right, sorry, Lin."

"Shush, Bob," Mom said. "She did let me have some stuff. And doesn't Tina look nice?"

Tina attempted a twirl in her pants and naturally stumbled a bit on the landing. It was Tina, Louise thought, you couldn't expect grace or anything.

Gene said, "I would not have thought those pants were made from clothes even Dad rejected."

"I didn't reject them," Dad said. "Linda stole them. I like those jeans, Lin."

"They didn't fit, they had a hole in the knee, there was a stain of unknown origins near the butt," Mom started listing.

Louise knew her input was needed. "I think we all know the origin, Mom."

"Origin: Dad's Butt!" Gene played a stirring melodic line.

"But none of this is on my jeans," Tina said. "Right?"

"Of course," Mom said. "Of course not, Tina baby, when I make these Linda Belcher original jeans I only use the best clean fabric. Which means a lot of cutting, frankly. Especially when it comes to Bob's, frankly. A lot of cutting."

"Do I have any pants, Lin?"

"Oh, poor Bob, we might need to buy you actual new pants, oh no," Mom said.

"I want new pants," Louise said. She wanted in on any shopping action.

"I already have new pants," Tina said. "But I wouldn't mind new clothes, either."

"I am perfectly satisfied with my wardrobe," Gene said.

"I'm not satisfied with your wardrobe, Gene," Mom said. "Okay, it's a plan, tomorrow we go to the mall. Everyone gets pants!"

"Did I say pants? You heard wrong. I want a dress," Louise said. She wasn't going to do anything just like the rest of her family.

In the car to the mall, Louise told Gene and Tina about her other pressing puzzle. "Pocket Sized Rudy has had a growth spurt and now he's three quarters the size of Regular Sized Rudy. But we can't call him that."

Dad interrupted, "Regular Sized and Pocket Sized are okay nicknames but not three quarters sized?"

"Duh," Louise said. "Three quarters is too much math. And Regular Sized Rudy hasn't had a growth spurt so he's actually kinda small for our class."

Dad said, trying to be funny, "Downgrade him to Seven Eighths Sized Rudy!" Dad chuckled at his own joke, like always.

"The real disaster will happen if a new Rudy transfers in," Gene said. There was panic in his eyes. "Transfers happen all the time, Louise. We could get a new Rudy any time, thanks to divorce or famine or forced relocation due to witness protection!"

"Gene, that's not a problem, he'd just be New Rudy," Louise said in her most soothing voice. Didn't want to tip Gene over to madness.

"Maybe you could nickname the Rudys with something not about size," Mom said. As if that was helpful. "Like Regular Sized Rudy could be Asthma Rudy, or something less offensive."

"Heavy Breathing Rudy," Tina said. "Inhaler Rudy."

"He loses his inhaler a lot," Louise said.

"Maybe it would help him remember," Tina said. She was always so optimistic.

"Slow Running Rudy," Gene said firmly. "And always remember to say the running part."

"Pocket Sized Rudy is quite the sprinter," Louise said. "That could be a solution."

"Why are you in charge of this, Louise?" Mom sounded like Louise was so put upon. But Louise was not put upon, she chose her upons and put them anywhere she wanted.

Gene said, "Who do you think gave them the original nicknames?"

The mall had a lot of closed stores. Louise wondered what she could do if she came at night and started looting. She needed to make some plans. She watched Tina looking around for her friends. Oddly, some of them were actually there and said hi to her. It wasn't even disdainful which was definitely weird.

Tammy and Jocelyn walked by while the kids waited outside the Dad pants store for Mom and Dad. Jocelyn said, "Tina, I really like those pants. They're, like, vintage. Right? I think vintage is cool."

Louise could see Tammy trying struggling to think of a way to insult Tina. Louise locked and loaded some choice Tammy insults ready to spring. Instead Tammy said, "Vintage is cool on some people. Not like on you, Jocelyn, sorry, but on some people."

"I bet you could pull it off, Jocelyn, maybe," Tina said.

Tammy and Jocelyn went off and Louise thought about a few cutting remarks for Tina, but then Tina had this puzzling, sweet, confident glow. In the privacy of her own room where absolutely no one could her even think it, Louise had to admit Tina did look good.

Mom and Dad walked out of the Dad Pants store with two bags. Dad even had a foreign looking expression on his face. It was Dad trying to smile. "I even got new shirts!" His voice sounded weird and happy. Louise was definitely concerned.

"Are they white? You wear a lot of white shirts, Dad, and it's just foolish. You work in a restaurant! You even cook in one. You get stains. You get so many stains. From the restaurant and your sweating, both of those things, stain-o-rama," Louise said.

"I know, Louise," Mom said. "That's why we bought him black t-shirts."

"Ha," Dad said, like he'd won an argument.

"HA ha HA ha ha," Gene said, improvising a rap-adjacent rhythm.

Next was the kids store. Mom dragged Gene around insisting on getting the poor kid new drawers, as she said. Louise went right to the dresses. She knew what she wanted: room to maneuver, no eye catching patterns, and maybe, just maybe, pockets. She had a hard time finding pockets. Louise contemplated the horror of asking Mom to add pockets to her dresses. Judging by Tina's pants, they might not look horrible. There was a lot of things Louise could put in pockets.

Louise picked out her dresses, one pairs of pants, and some new underwear and pajamas. If they were going whole hog spending all the meager profit the weird upswing in the restaurant had caused, Louise might as well cash in. She dumped the clothes on Mom and went looking for Gene and Tina. Gene was looking downcast and sitting on the floor by the boys' underwear.

"New drawers," Gene sang. "Taking away the old drawers." He sounded mournful.

Tina said, "Buck up, Gene. Remember the feel of new underwear."

"I don't," Gene said. "This is a sacrifice I am unwilling to make. I like things that are lived in, worn down, smoothed over of all rough spots. Except the rough spots I make!"

"Gross," Louise said. She sang, "New drawers are like new floors, fun to slide in on!"

Gene hummed a bit of the tune and then expanded on it. "Like new floors, open doors, slide on in in your new drawers!" He was immediately enthused. Louise had figured out if you let Gene process his feelings in music, he got to less complain-y much faster.

Tina joined in, and of course, Louise needed to anchor the song, then Dad came over and they had a little musical moment. Ruined, naturally, when Mom swept in and added her own overdramatic flourishes since she finished buying everything.

Once they got home, Mom insisted on the usual parade of new clothes. Gene wore nothing but his new underwear each time. It had a bright blinding whiteness, or bright blinding green-ess depending on the pair which Louise bet would last one week, no more, no less. Dad did something he would call dancing in his dark blue jeans and black shirts.

Tina twirled in her new shirt with her pretty good pants and didn't even stumble. The girl was growing up good. Louise felt proud.


End file.
